To understand what true love is, we must first ask ourselves why do we love? Not platonic love, like the kind we have for family and friends, but true romantic love—the kind reserved for soulmates. From the beginning of time, philosophers and psychologists have sought the answer.

According to some of these theorists, love gives us something in return; it provides value. The Greek philosopher Aristotle, for instance, believes relationships build self-knowledge. Becoming close to someone, building trust with them, and sharing your lives together allows people to engage in self-reflection.

The partner can act as a mirror, who is able to show a reflection of yourself, providing valuable insights into who you are as a person.

People hesitate to take advice from strangers or even friends. But love and compassion in a relationship leads us to trust the other and heed their words, which often improve us. After all, it is said the greatest love can “bring out the best in each other.” These are reasons people fall in love—not a shallow and one dimensional kind of love but true and heartfelt. Still, what counts as great love or true love?

The Eight Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks

The ancient Greeks explored the many forms and nuances of love. They identified eight different kinds of love. The last three combined appear to constitute their definition of true love.

Eros is also known today as “erotic.” Eros love is pure physical pleasure and desire. It is impulsive and dangerous. Erotic love tends to be superficial and short. 

Phillia is affection. However, it is not deep enough. Phillia is felt with friends and family, a kind of loyalty. 

Storge love is similar to Phillia, or familial love. It refers to natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa.

Ludus or playful love. It appears when a couple “falls in love” for the first time. When flutters and jokes fill the air.

Mania, or obsession, is when insecurity, jealousy, and egoistic thoughts conquer the relationship rather than the spiritual and sacrificial “agape” love.

Pragma is love which endures for decades. It transcends the physical and embraces the harmony.

Philautia is the capability to love others, but only when one comes to love himself or herself.

Agape is the highest form of love is possible, and it can only be achieved after philautia. True love or “agape” is unconditional. It is the infinite compassion and care for the other, despite flaws or expectations.

According to the ancient Greeks, the path to an honest love is one in which individuals transcend physical desire and discover a deep unconditional benevolence for their partner. It is called “agape.”

True Love as a Shared Identity

When both feel agape love, it is the beginning of a union. It is no longer  “I” but “we.” The actions pursued by both parties is not for my sake or yours but our sake. The couple is concerned for one another and his or her happiness despite any flaws. The “unconditional” aspect enters the relationship in the form of acceptance.

To love someone unconditionally is to accept and value them for who they are, regardless of their imperfections.

Unconditional love leads to a shared identity according to philosopher Paul Helm. As long as this kind of union exists, true love is possible. After all, when two identities merge through unconditional love, the emotions of both people become intricately linked.

Thus, the couple begins to understand one another better, and therefore develop sympathy and tolerance for their partner. This shared identity solidifies and strengthens the heartfelt love between them. Feelings of compassion manifests into a deep seated concern for the person we hold dear. As a result, our love becomes more true and more powerful.

The philosopher Peter Singer claims true love is to bestow a kind of value to our loved one. He or she becomes an intrinsic value. In other words, “love…confers importance no matter what the object is worth.” It is not a means to accomplish goals or extrinsic ends. When two identities merge through true love, the shared identity is free from the ego. Unlike “mania,” where insecurities and self interests pollute heartfelt emotions, true love is pure in the sense it is not stained with egoism. This is unconditional agape love.

The Potential Dangers of “False” True Love

But a different shade of love exists: the false and dangerous kind. Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard identifies one of these perils. He believes pleasure comes from “the power people have over others.” People often “love” to bolster their pride or ego. The more he or she courts, the more individuals feel empowered. As a result, they feel superior and dominant.

Unfortunately, they also equate their pride to the number of people they have courted. These relationships are short and shallow. “Pragma” love, which requires a lengthy connection, is absent in this case. Moreover, their self worth is tied to others. They no longer have control of their life because they depend on others for happiness and fulfillment. This insecurity reflects “mania” love in the eyes of the ancient Greeks.

Furthermore, according to psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs—a theory about what humans need in order to feel “whole”— love and belonging is necessary for self esteem. But if it is not done right it could threaten the identity of the individual.

For example, a girl is raised in a cruel environment where she never receives affection from family or friends. She wonders why no one is affectionate to her and she becomes vulnerable as she begins to believe that she is unworthy of affection. When a boy comes to “love” her, or show interest or affection, it makes her feel that she is worth something to him, and he becomes her source of “self esteem.” If this love falls apart, it will break her. These are the dangers of love that the Greeks warned against.

True Love

With true love, both parties become vulnerable to each other. Though “agape” love is selfless, the moment one partner changes—such as losing interest or loving someone else—it is no longer true love. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre calls this inauthenticity: pretending to be something you’re not in a relationship, which opens the gates to delusion.

In the interest of true love, it is always best to remain true to oneself, not only for the self but for the significant other. 

This type of love, one without restraints or specific goals, absent of egoism, is pure and true love. It begins as a union between two people, where identities link and emotions connect. Out of these emotions comes compassion and concern on behalf of their partner, all of which establishes honest and unconditional tenderness. This is true love. This is agape love.