The one. Your true love. Your soulmate. Some say that when you meet your soulmate, you will be weak at the knees, become dizzy, and feel completely out of control. Wild isn’t it? The Buddhists, for example, in all their serenity, say you will be at your calmest and most Zen when you’re with your soulmate. Others believe a soulmate is merely a suitable life partner who you can share and enjoy similar life interests with.

“Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” – Pablo Picasso.

You need to first accept love and understand what it means before you can be ready to find your soulmate. Let love be free and without expectations. Love is not complicated, but the problem is that we feel the need to romanticize it. When you idealize something, it will make it seem more appealing than it really is; thus, making it unrealistic and potentially unattainable. You can become demoralized and disappointed when you eventually realize that love isn’t even close to the image that you painted in your head.   

“I don’t think that love is the same for everyone. Love is what you want it to be. If you find it, cherish it, because it will teach you how to forgive and love each other for real.”

This advice was given by a dear friend while we were hanging out in the city one day, enjoying each other’s company. Tragically, she passed away a few days later, but her advice on love has been seared into my mind, and I still remember the wise words she told me to this day. I firmly believe that love is what you want it to be; it is something elegant and classic that needs to grow naturally. It can’t be forced, so give it all the space and time it needs, and then embrace and cherish love when you find it.

Her words that night proved to be a key stepping stone for my journey in finding my soulmate. It was the leap of faith that I needed almost four years after my first relationship. Her view on love and all its intricacies enabled me to break away from my commitment issues, to stop following some vague depiction of how love should be, and, most importantly, to look for something I both wanted and needed.

Such as a rose, love is beautiful and holds sharp thorns that will pierce through your heart if you’re not ready to understand and accept its various appearances. Love can come to you in contrasting guises that will each serve you with a different purpose.

Now, let me take you on a journey back to when I was still in college. As far as I can remember, I’ve recognized three significant relationships that I’ve experienced. Like many, I have had my share of no-strings attached and casual relationships over the years, but it is these three that stood out and proved to have any substance.

My first relationship was in college, when we just wanted to have fun and explore life. The type of primal and idealistic love—filled with excitement, passion, and constant declarations of love on social media—that almost feels like a fairy tale.

I had always loved her in some way, but deep inside, I always knew that this wasn’t true love. This is the type of relationship where the flame just dies down, quicker than expected. After five years, it ended after she cheated on me, and the sparks that were once there disappeared altogether.

There were many reasons that led to the demise of this relationship; nearly three years into the relationship, reality had set in and I realized we were growing apart, in part due to contrasting lifestyles and goals. However, for us, being in this relationship was so comforting because we still enjoyed each other’s company; we still had great conversations, fun dates, and amazing sex. Into the last year of the relationship, even the great sex and conversations weren’t enough; it was as if we both knew that we were not meant to be, but we also did not want to leave our comfort zones.

Having said that, though, most things that are not meant to be come to a bitter end, thus signaling the end of my first real relationship when she cheated. I did not hate her for what she did; but, instead, I tried to comprehend her reason for doing so. In our case, it was simple: We had stopped loving each other, we were taking each other for granted, and neither of us were willing to go through the break up. Evidently, sometimes it’s just easier to cheat.

I believe that our first real relationship is where we are free to make mistakes as well as learn and forgive as many times as you want, until one day you must both part ways because there is nothing left. It also taught me that staying in your comfort zone will get you literally nowhere; some people decide to stay in this first comfortable relationship, which ends up lasting them a lifetime.

The second relationship I had was the most familiar; the hard love, where we find ourselves at our lowest.

A year after my first real break up, I fell in love with a girl from college that I’d known for years. Again, just like my first love, I thought she’d be my soulmate, but I was wrong. Our relationship had become a cycle, where we kept going back to each other in hopes that things would be different, but every time we gave it another try, it ended up worse than the previous attempt.

Our love was an emotional rollercoaster with extreme highs and lows. It was easy to become addicted to such a storyline, sticking through the lows with only an expectation of a high. I was so fixated in making our relationship work that I never stopped to think if we should even be together. This is the love that we wished was right; the one where we stubbornly believed that if we don’t have to struggle for it, then it’s not worth it.

This relationship taught me a lot about myself and others, and that deep inside we just want to be loved, needed, and never alone. However, this blossomed into a toxic relationship with power grabs, lies, manipulation, and pain. This relationship consisted of constant mind games and trials that were meant to prove our love. In this stage of my life, love resembled the first relationship, where I still ached for the person that I long idealized.

The relationship ended after she told me that—while there was nothing against me—the timing just wasn’t right. Even though I didn’t believe her at the time, I later realized that it really wasn’t anything against me, we were both at very different stages in life. She was just discovering her prowess in a busy work life, and I was commencing my post grad academia in another country.

I’ve become a firm believer in “what is meant to be, will be.” With some luck and the right timing, something special will happen. I never realized how important timing was until I was well into my adult years. As I matured, I understood that in any relationship, you must wait for the right time for everything; timing is so important.

The third relationship, which started a year after the last, is the one where I found my soulmate, and the timing was impeccable.

Believe it or not, on our first date,  I shared with her this very theory of the “three types of love and relationships” that I believed in. She was surprised as her relationship history was almost identical; her first was when she married her college sweetheart, they got divorced a few years later due to incompatibility issues.

Her second significant relationship was also toxic; the man she married turned out to be verbally and mentally abusive. She tried to make it work for 12 long and tough years before she had the strength to realize that some things just cannot be fixed. She divorced him and continued on her path in life. We did not know what kind of love our souls craved until we met each other.

We were both wounded souls that still believed in love; we shared complementary lifestyles and life goals, and we were so similar, in fact, that it was almost like we were clones! It was of paramount importance that we were both ready for a soul refreshing journey with someone that is also self-aware enough to realize that, with the right person, anything is possible!

This was the third and final type of relationship that swept me off my feet, because I never saw it coming. There was no pressure on how we should act, as we respected and accepted each other for who we were. With her, I encountered a love that shattered any preset notions of how love was supposed to be. It was almost impossible to believe how well we connected and how smooth our relationship was. We avoided the drama and concentrated on the positives.

This love we had felt just right, and it made me realize why my other relationships weren’t meant to be.

Sure, there are many who’ve only had one major love that has lasted them a lifetime, and they’d probably say that they’re the lucky ones. However, going through my various relationships provided an opportunity to learn about myself, others, and all the potent intricacies of love.

Before you’re ready to meet your soulmate, it’s essential that you get rid of any emotional baggage you have from the past. Although letting go is one of the most painful experiences in life that you must go through, heartbreaks exist so that we can learn the power of forgiveness and acceptance.

It is what it is, do not try to change things that are beyond your control; learn to forgive and move on without any regrets. I wish you the best of luck on whichever trail of love that life takes you on, and I hope that you are able to choose to learn and grow through relationships instead of compromising; whether it is because you are with your idealistic “first love” or simply because you are in your comfort zone. I think this is a fundamental element in evolution.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” – Oprah Winfrey.

I’ve learned over the years to enjoy the phenomena of timing and not to rush things, and to give love the space and freedom it needs to grow naturally. Although your quest to find love will be filled with obstacles, you’ll learn valuable lessons that will last the rest of your life. Go on an adventure, find out who you really are and where you truly belong. Free yourself from the past and have fun in your journey to find love. Even if you don’t meet your soulmate right away, you will gain valuable experience and potentially end up with lifelong friendships.

I consider myself lucky to still be in touch with many of my past dates; I believe every individual has a story to tell and the potential to teach you something totally new. You must take your time and learn to enjoy the waves of delightful adventures and inspiring conversations that you will share with different people.

One day, you’ll be ready to intertwine your soul with someone else’s.  Do not expect it, do not romanticize it, do not idolize it, and love will come to you when you least expect it.