Reflecting on My Experience With Anxiety and Panic Attacks

It’s funny how certain moments can cause you to reflect on your past. For me, that moment was entering college. Once I had a year under my belt, I started to reflect on my old high school memories. Aside from all the fun times I had, I also noticed all the moments where my issues with anxiety started to develop. As I look back, I realize that I suffered from panic attacks that I didn’t even know were panic attacks at the time.

I used to cry until I couldn’t anymore (sometimes to the point of not being able to breathe), but I soon realized how unhealthy that was. I knew I needed to tell someone, so I told my best friend who was there for me no matter what. She helped keep me somewhat calm and grounded for most of high school, but I always felt guilty asking her to help me deal with my problems. Once my friend graduated, I started to work around how I felt, to take the knot in my stomach and avoid attempting to untie it. I still had a feeling that this was unhealthy, but it was the best idea I could come up with without feeling like I was burdening someone else.

I had always assumed it was just teenage angst, which, don’t get me wrong, I definitely had. I just thought this was my version of teen angst, that, instead of acting out, I would bottle up the rebelliousness until I felt like I would burst. Then I would burst in private to quell any possible concern for me. But it was so much more than that.

I remember there was one time when I was sixteen that I was sitting in my room at my mother’s house, crying my eyes out. While I can’t recall the details, my mom and I did get into a massive fight the night before. I couldn’t get control of myself. I would slowly ease myself from crying, only to start back up again moments later. This lasted for about an hour. My mom wasn’t home, so it was up to me. I grabbed a box of tissues and just kept crying. I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I finally stopped when I realized how much noise I was making, as I was afraid the neighbors would come check on me.

I think back to another moment when I was eighteen: I was coming back from the movies with my friends and I realized it was probably the last big outing we would have together for a while. We got back to the dorms on campus and I suddenly felt sad and scared. I went to the restroom to try to calm myself down before I even started, as I could feel the storm brewing inside me, but I wasn’t quick enough. I locked myself in a stall and started crying, but it quickly became too much and I ran to my room in tears. I was embarrassed and scared and shaking. I couldn’t stop shaking. One of my friends came in and helped me calm down.

This moment, out of all the moments, was when I realized I needed help. This was the one thing I couldn’t handle on my own.

It used to be really difficult, and in some respects, it still is. Yet, lately, life has been so much easier. I started to go to counseling during the summer. I felt scared and nervous. I mean, how do you open up to a complete stranger? I remember sitting in the office trembling because I was so scared of her judging me. I kept reminding myself to be rational, that this is her job so she wouldn’t judge me, but they felt like empty words in that moment.

Once I sat down and opened up, I started crying, and the words flowed out of me like water out of a hose. I told her everything about my struggles in college, my panic attacks, and having to coax myself to stop crying while sitting on the floor. I remember her recommending I visit the psychiatry department to see if I needed medications. So I did.

I met with a doctor who prescribed me some medications, but they made me extremely drowsy. Luckily, I wasn’t on that medication for long, as I brought it up during my next visit and the prescription was changed. Now, I take two pills before I go to school, and I’m able to concentrate better as well as feel more relaxed and calm. The panic attacks have pretty much stopped, too. I still feel terrified, and I still tense up, but I can focus more. I feel like I’m more in control, and I don’t overthink every little movement I make.

I can’t say I yet feel free, but I do feel more normal. I feel as if I can function more easily. I think the hardest part of conquering my anxiety and panic attacks has been accepting that it has been there for years. I used to brush it off; I’d tell myself I was just being stupid. But I know better now.



Topics:  
I am a student at University of California Riverside working towards a Bachelors Degree in English. I hope to enter Graduate School and earn a Masters in English as well. As for careers, I hope to one day enter the world of publishing or writing for travel magazines. I always enjoyed writing as a hobby, but I never considered it as a career until I entered high school. Reading was always a past time, but writing was always a passion.

Want to start sharing your mind and have your voice heard?

Join our community of awesome contributing writers and start publishing now.

LEARN MORE


ENGAGE IN THE CONVERSATION

Reflecting on My Experience With Anxiety and Panic Attacks

It’s funny how certain moments can cause you to reflect on your past. For me, that moment was entering college. Once I had a year under my belt, I started to reflect on my old high school memories. Aside from all the fun times I had, I also noticed all the moments where my issues with anxiety started to develop. As I look back, I realize that I suffered from panic attacks that I didn’t even know were panic attacks at the time.

I used to cry until I couldn’t anymore (sometimes to the point of not being able to breathe), but I soon realized how unhealthy that was. I knew I needed to tell someone, so I told my best friend who was there for me no matter what. She helped keep me somewhat calm and grounded for most of high school, but I always felt guilty asking her to help me deal with my problems. Once my friend graduated, I started to work around how I felt, to take the knot in my stomach and avoid attempting to untie it. I still had a feeling that this was unhealthy, but it was the best idea I could come up with without feeling like I was burdening someone else.

I had always assumed it was just teenage angst, which, don’t get me wrong, I definitely had. I just thought this was my version of teen angst, that, instead of acting out, I would bottle up the rebelliousness until I felt like I would burst. Then I would burst in private to quell any possible concern for me. But it was so much more than that.

I remember there was one time when I was sixteen that I was sitting in my room at my mother’s house, crying my eyes out. While I can’t recall the details, my mom and I did get into a massive fight the night before. I couldn’t get control of myself. I would slowly ease myself from crying, only to start back up again moments later. This lasted for about an hour. My mom wasn’t home, so it was up to me. I grabbed a box of tissues and just kept crying. I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I finally stopped when I realized how much noise I was making, as I was afraid the neighbors would come check on me.

I think back to another moment when I was eighteen: I was coming back from the movies with my friends and I realized it was probably the last big outing we would have together for a while. We got back to the dorms on campus and I suddenly felt sad and scared. I went to the restroom to try to calm myself down before I even started, as I could feel the storm brewing inside me, but I wasn’t quick enough. I locked myself in a stall and started crying, but it quickly became too much and I ran to my room in tears. I was embarrassed and scared and shaking. I couldn’t stop shaking. One of my friends came in and helped me calm down.

This moment, out of all the moments, was when I realized I needed help. This was the one thing I couldn’t handle on my own.

It used to be really difficult, and in some respects, it still is. Yet, lately, life has been so much easier. I started to go to counseling during the summer. I felt scared and nervous. I mean, how do you open up to a complete stranger? I remember sitting in the office trembling because I was so scared of her judging me. I kept reminding myself to be rational, that this is her job so she wouldn’t judge me, but they felt like empty words in that moment.

Once I sat down and opened up, I started crying, and the words flowed out of me like water out of a hose. I told her everything about my struggles in college, my panic attacks, and having to coax myself to stop crying while sitting on the floor. I remember her recommending I visit the psychiatry department to see if I needed medications. So I did.

I met with a doctor who prescribed me some medications, but they made me extremely drowsy. Luckily, I wasn’t on that medication for long, as I brought it up during my next visit and the prescription was changed. Now, I take two pills before I go to school, and I’m able to concentrate better as well as feel more relaxed and calm. The panic attacks have pretty much stopped, too. I still feel terrified, and I still tense up, but I can focus more. I feel like I’m more in control, and I don’t overthink every little movement I make.

I can’t say I yet feel free, but I do feel more normal. I feel as if I can function more easily. I think the hardest part of conquering my anxiety and panic attacks has been accepting that it has been there for years. I used to brush it off; I’d tell myself I was just being stupid. But I know better now.



Scroll to top

Follow Us on Facebook - Stay Engaged!

Send this to a friend