When people find out that I am a twin, they often ask me what it is like to be one. I always tell them that it is just like having another sibling in your same age group—not a big deal. But then they get to the questions: “Why is your sister like _______, and how come you’re not like that?” “Why do you guys look different from each other?” “Why don’t you guys wear the same things?”

Questions like those are often the ones that I struggle to address because people tend not to treat me or my sister as individuals. We are often viewed as an “item”; a set of girls that are always together. But I want to tell people that we are not an “item.” We are not always together. My sister and I are just like any other pair of siblings except that we happen to be the same age and look the same.

Being a twin does, however, create some unique  advantages and disadvantages as siblings.

Having a twin means that you always have someone by your side growing up. You are in the same age group and grade level, and this meant that I was never alone as a child because I had my sister to hang out with at school, to play “house” with, run around the park, dig in the sand, and enjoy other activities that we used to do as children.

Being in the same school environment, my sister and I had a fairly easy time making friends because they would just confuse one for the other, which got rid of the awkward introduction phase of friendship. As such, my sister and I would often have a similar group of friends or a group of mutual friends. Growing up, having my sister around made making friends fairly easy.

Additionally, my parents would not have to worry about my sister and I being bored when we went to formal family events. They did not need to look after us because they knew my sister and I would look after each other. We both never really had to worry about loneliness because we had each other. I always loved having my sister by my side to keep me company.

But once my sister and I started getting older, always having someone by your side, which used to be an advantage as a twin, became a little more complicated.

As we started to develop our independence, the situation became more difficult, and at times, suffocating. Personally, it was hard to feel autonomous because I was asking her for advice on every little decision I made, which I had become accustomed to doing since we were so close to each other.

In middle school, I asked her how I should go about friendships, classes, teachers, and even school crushes. She eventually got annoyed and told me to start making my own decisions—without  her advice.

I had suffocated her and the feeling of independence that she was trying to establish as she got older. And I came to realize that I used her advice as a crutch to help me make decisions. I had grown so used to having her around and getting her advice on everything that I wasn’t able to learn how to be my own person.

However, when she told me to start making decisions on my own, I still felt kicked to the curb even though I knew that I had to start making my own choices eventually.

As we moved on to high school, my sister and I tried to create a balance between feeling independent and giving each other advice on decisions. During high school, my sister and I tried to pursue different friendships and organizations, which allowed both of us to have space to explore our own paths in life and make our own decisions.

However, in our attempt to be independent of one another, we were prone to quarrel if we were around each other for too long. If we were cooped up in the house together, for example, we would often get into fights because we were in close proximity to each other.

When we moved to college, we chose different schools and rarely ever saw each other. However, the distance apart renewed our interest in helping each other by providing advice on academics, clubs, and friendships. We were far apart and in different circles, which allowed my sister and me to truly feel independent.

It also made us realize that when we asked for advice from each other, it was actually our way of saying that we needed  each other.

We both came to understand that having a certain amount of distance in our lives helped us feel totally independent, but we also have a strong connection and will always be close and support each other as sisters.

However, even though we’ve overcome the challenge of developing our own identities as twins, I struggled being in situations where people compare one to the other. Comparing one twin to the other is always very hurtful to either one or both twins.

As a twin, I have always been asked by new friends and people about who is better at a certain thing than the other. Even though sometimes the questions they ask may be a joke, it was personally hard for me to deal with the comparison. Questions like “Who’s better at math? Who’s better at science? Who gets all straight As?”

In those moments of comparison, I would always look to my sister as the “smarter” one. In fact, most people just assume that she is the “smarter” one because she preferred math and science and got all straight As. She never let those moments bother her and she would always try to remind me that being “better” at something did not mean that they were perfect. Although my sister was amazing at reassuring me, I still struggled with seeing her as perfect and the “better” twin.

Comparing yourself to others, especially someone who is supposed to be the “exact same” version of you, is never healthy or helpful in finding your own identity and individuality. After I had time to become more independent and pursue my passions in teaching and writing, the advice that my sister gave me finally made sense. I stopped caring about what she was “better” at because those skills were not my skills. I had my own unique strengths that I had developed to pursue my own career and passions.

Even though my sister and I are twins and have a special bond, we are both independent adults with our own identities.

Through the experiences that shaped me, I have learned to embrace being a twin while also forging my own path in life. It wasn’t always easy, but by finding my own passions and identity, I was able to excel as my own person while maintaining the close relationship with my twin sister. We may be twins, but we’re also our also our own individuals. Everyone has something that makes them unique. Once you discover that passion and pursue it, that is when you can truly thrive.