Crawling, there’s something crawling all over my legs. Maybe it’s the cold, the weather is changing now…

I rub my hands up and down the length of my legs as I sit in the Student Success Center searching for internships. When my hands are moving, I don’t feel anything. But, as soon as I stop to type on my laptop, the crawling sensation comes back full force. It’s weird because I only feel it on my legs.   

Without conscious thought, my legs start bouncing as my fingers dance on the keyboard and the sensation is gone. My mind can focus on my future as the bouncing propels me to work.

Click. Bounce. Click. Bounce. Click… Bounce…

…

Sleep evades me because I need to move my legs. Move, move and move. Resting only lets the crawling happen and I just want it to let me be. But apparently, I need to work off all this energy to exhaust me when all I want is to sleep.  

For me, my journey to accepting my anxiety all started with crawling. Randomly, I started feeling a crawling sensation on my legs and the best way to describe it is that it felt like my body was alive. I constantly felt like there were little bugs moving around and I didn’t understand why. Honestly, I don’t think I started getting concerned about it until four days in because I thought it would just go away. But, come a week later and walking with that sensation concentrated on my legs, I knew that I needed answers.  

Since it felt physical, I made an appointment at the health center at my school, JMU, with a dermatologist. Due to availability, I had to wait a few more days before I could be seen, and I thought maybe the feeling would disappear and I could cancel.

It didn’t.

When I went, the doctor checked my legs for body lice and the conclusion from that visit was that there was nothing going one. But, she told me that every month they have a specialist come in for one day. So two weeks later, I had an appointment with the specialist; she went through the same tests that the first dermatologist did. Again, nothing physical.

With two appointments ending in nothing conclusive, the specialist told me the next step would be to go to a neurologist. Since it wasn’t something on the outside, the next step is to check the inside.

This presentation has to be perfect.

I have to read it again; ten times isn’t enough. Wait, twenty isn’t. See, thirty times and I found something I missed. But, is this too much now or not enough. I only need to highlight the most important part, but did I talk enough about what the data suggests about people’s perception of mental illness and what it actually reflects. I have a lot of points for each, but are they good enough? I have to read the article again. There’s probably something I missed, no there is definitely something I missed.

But wait, what about the website I need coded by the end of the week? I’ve got one page out of ten done, but I only have five more days. Wait, the presentation is tomorrow and it’s not perfect. It needs to be perfect. What about the five-page minimum paper also due at the end of the week.

Too many projects, not enough time. Also, I have to go to class, but that takes away time to work on the projects.

I’m going to be sick, but I’m hungry at the same time. It doesn’t matter because I just need to focus on this presentation. I have to reread the article again, I know I missed something that I need to include. If I missed something, everyone in my class is going to know because they read it, too. They’ll think I’m dumb so I have to read it again.

But, are the question I came up with even good? Everyone so far have had good questions, but mine don’t measure up.

When did my hands start shaking? Have they been like this the whole time? Why does it seem like the crawling sensation picked up? I need to walk around or move my legs somehow.

Wait… Am I having a heart attack? I feel pain shooting down my left arm, but I’m not falling to the floor immobile. I’m still up, but the pain in my chest travelling down my arm is throbbing.

The night before I had a 15-minute presentation due, I started having chest pains that were in the left side of my chest. Honestly, it seemed like I was having a heart attack since the pain was traveling down my left arm. In my life, I’ve never had chest pains that went that far. As I was writing this, I actually experienced chest pains just by thinking about the situation

At the same time, the crawling sensation on my legs felt like it was at an all-time high. With the accumulation of symptoms going on, such as the crawling, shaking, chest pains and throwing up, my parents called me and told me they wanted to me to go to the hospital. Since I was at school, they couldn’t be there with me, but luckily my brother was a freshman at the same school, James Madison University.

At 10 o’clock, my brother got dropped off at my apartment and took me to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. I brought the article with me to reread since I couldn’t waste any more time without making sure I had everything important down.

As with everyone, before I was called back, they took me aside in a little room to check my blood pressure and asked me what my symptoms were. After that, they took an EKG of my heart, which didn’t show anything concerning. Once the results came in, I sat in the waiting room for a while.

When the finally called me back, I again told the nurse and then the doctor the symptoms that I was experiencing. They gave me a pill, which I don’t recall the name off, that they said is used to treat anxiety and, to put it simply, to calm me down. Even though it kicked in, I still felt a little on edge, but definitely better than before.

To cover all avenues, they also issued blood to be drawn. I remember this vividly because two different nurses had to try and it took three times to finally find a suitable vein. While I was waiting to hear about what that would conclude, I also had to pee in a cup.

Four hours at the hospital and the only thing that was certain that they could tell me was that I was dehydrated. Honestly, I already knew that because I’m notorious for not drinking enough water.

…

The next morning, I woke up early and I remember still feeling every symptom from the night before. I just wanted it to end. I started preparing for my presentation again, but then my mother and father told me that my mom was going to come down to Virginia to get me. To say I was confused is an understatement. I had to do my presentation at 2:30 p.m.—I couldn’t leave. But, I couldn’t argue with both of my parents.

Ultimately, I ended up going home a week early for Thanksgiving break. So, I emailed all of my teachers, who were very understanding, and I went home for two weeks.

How many times and how many people do I have to tell about the crawling sensation? I know I need to tell people to figure out what it means, but I hate saying it. What do they think about it? Do they think I’m making it up? What do they think of me…?

It has to be real though… it feels so real. I can’t see anything and no one else can, but I feel it and I want it to stop. No, it has to stop because I can’t live with this being my constant.

At what point do I start downplaying it? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and let it disappear on its own. But I did that already and it didn’t go away… Would it be better if it wasn’t neurological? What if it evolves and prohibits me from standing for a while? I wonder if they have even encountered what I’m going through. I shouldn’t have said anything… I don’t want to know what this is. But…  I need to know.

I wonder if they will be able to give me an answer though. If they tell me I have to see a different specialist or some other doctor, I won’t know what to do. I just—I really need answers to ease my mind.

I tell the neurologist about the crawling and the new development of feeling like my legs are going to collapse when I walk down stairs. I clasp my hands together to stop the shaking, the nerves… of which I have too many. He takes the weird hammer thing, which I never bothered to look up the name of, and taps my right knee first. Instinct overtakes and my leg jumps out. He moves to the left and the same thing happens.

After that, he takes a pen and runs it along the bottom of my feet. I try to stay still, but I’m cringing on the inside because it tickles. But, I can feel it which is what counts. I can feel the path from my toes to my heel, wishing it would end so I don’t burst out laughing. He asks me to stand and pushes on me a little and I almost stumble, but I’m able to stay up right. He says that’s normal to have a little slip.

He has me sit back down and asks me if I’ve ever been diagnosed with anxiety or depression; I say no.

Restless Leg Syndrome.

He tells me that’s what I most likely have, but that I should get my blood drawn so they could check my iron levels. There’s a slight chance that this could all be due to low iron levels.

Another prick and another result. Iron is fine, so I must have Restless Leg Syndrome.  

It does account for a majority of the feelings that I have been experiencing, but what about the chest pain? Even with an answer, I’m still confused.

Now that I have answers I should feel some pressure off of me, but the presentation still haunts me. I grab my chest near my heart to lessen the constant pain. Even when I tell myself that I know everything that I need to know about this one presentation, the ache in my chest grows bigger. I really don’t know anything… I think I know, but I don’t. All of my classmates are going to think I’m not smart. I can’t lead and I can’t think of good questions.

…

My teacher calls and we talk about my diagnosis from the neurologist and then we go over the slides I have created.

“They’re great and these questions are really good, Erin.”

You’d think that would be enough, that those words would soothe my mind and body, but the crawling is still ever present and I feel as if I haven’t moved my hand from my chest. I try to knead the ache out, but that only works as long as I’m doing it. The second I stop, the pain resumes its stay.

I probably missed something and she’s just being nice. I need to read it again. Once isn’t enough… twice… six times and I’m still missing something.

…

I can’t forget about the ten-page website that I have to code. Luckily, I already wrote the content that I’m putting in each page, but I need to create the outline. And, since I went home early, I missed the lesson on how to do a Javascript component… that’s a requirement. What grade can I get without it?

The teacher hasn’t responded to any of my emails about an extension or if it would be okay if I left the JavaScript part out since I missed that. I guess I’ll have to trust Google to show me how and pray that whatever I pick isn’t too complicated. A comment page should be sufficient enough… I hope. It’ll have to do.

But now this whole page won’t work and this is the second time I’ve started from scratch and I can’t do it again… this is due tomorrow and since she didn’t get back to me, I don’t think I have an extension. This damn page needs to work… Looking through the code a third time, I finally find the missing colon. One colon was the reason why this page isn’t showing up, but I found where it belongs.

During my two-week Thanksgiving break, I handed in two of my projects. Of the two, one was on time and one was late with the approval of the teacher. But, the presentation was still something I had to do. My teacher said she rescheduled it for when we would come back.

Every time I thought about the presentation, I would get chest pains and the crawling would intensify. I even sent the powerpoint I made to my teacher and we went over each slide on the phone. She said it looked good and that my questions were great. But still, when I thought about presenting to the class, I would experience everything. Throughout the whole ordeal, though, the crawling sensation didn’t stop.

Ultimately, my teacher for the class in which I had to do the presentation let me take an incomplete for her class. Now, I could focus on the five remaining classes, and I’ve been grateful ever since. Even with one less class, I still felt all the negative symptoms, albeit they weren’t as intense.

As I was finishing up the fall semester, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle another final paper. Also, this was around the time that I started talking with someone at my school’s counseling center. I only had two weeks before Winter break, but I still felt better after two sessions. I learned that, as a person and in my family, I don’t tend to open up and talk about what’s going on with me. I never really noticed that we don’t have ‘deep’ talks in my family. But it certainly is easier opening up to a stranger who helps you get thoughts and emotions off your chest.

When Winter break rolled around, I found that my symptoms lessened even more, but I still went to my primary care doctor to talk about what has been happening with me.

Another person I have to explain everything to. But, this can finally provide the answer I need and have been searching for for months. I need this…

“In the past month, how often have you felt anxious or worried?” Almost every day. Too often.

“Is is excessive worry?” Probably. Yes. It’s too much.

“What things cause you to feel this way?” All the work I have to do. There’s too much and not enough time. But the more I worry, the less I actually work on the things that need to get done. So, the less I get done, the more I worry. It’s a frustrating cycle and I can’t stop it.

More questions. More answers. Final conclusion: anxiety.

I have anxiety. But what does that mean for the future? Medication? Do I try exercises to help me get through it? What now? But why now?

That’s what always gets me. Why now? One day can change everything…

“Let’s talk about the next steps for you.”

I was nervous to hear what would happen next. Medication? Considering I had to go back to school for my final semester the next day, I didn’t know how things would work out. Ultimately,  he told me that I should monitor how my Spring semester goes because instead of 19 credits like in the fall, this time I would be taking 13. With such a big difference, he wanted to see if the symptoms were as strong. By doing this, I could gauge whether or not medication was needed or if I could learn techniques that would help in times where my anxiety spiked. Since the symptoms flared up around my workload, he wanted to see how fewer classes would impact me.

Honestly, compared to last semester, the workload wasn’t as bad and the symptoms I displayed didn’t occur as often. I continued talking to the same person at JMU’s counseling center and she recommended a class called Tackling Anxiety. The way she described it, it would help me learn a broad overview of what anxiety is and, through exercises, learn ways that help me get through times that are tough.

Tackling anxiety? That’s the class that the counselor I’ve been seeing for three sessions now recommended to me. All I know is what I’ve been experiencing, but it started happening out of nowhere. Why now? She, the counselor, says that understanding what anxiety is, in general, can help me understand how I’m personally affected. I’m nervous.

…

There’s only one other person in the class; four people in total. Calming nature music plays in the background as boxes of stress relief toys such as pladoah and squishy balls rest on one of the desks. My palms feel sweaty, but my mind knows that this is the best thing for me. I need to understand what anxiety is before I can understand myself and my body at the moment.

Understanding is key. I spent months in confusion and fear with not knowing what was going on. Now is the time for me to know.

The class was only nine sessions once a week, but I gained so much valuable information from it. Throughout the sessions, I learned about different skills and strategies to help me get through stressful situations. I already knew that one of the ways that I express my anxiety is through uncontrollably bouncing my legs. During the second or third class, I figured out a strategy that helps me and could be used in any situation when I was sitting. Since I was still in school at the time, subtlety was important.

So, whenever I felt anxious or overwhelmed and I noticed my legs bouncing, I used the technique where I pressed on my heels into the floor for 3-5 seconds. Then, I would release the pressure, release the worry. This was something I could do during class and do as many times as I needed. I learned about a similar technique using your hands in which you put your hands into fists and hold them for the same amount of time. Then, release. That didn’t work as well for me, but the heel pressure strategy did.

Honestly, it’s all about trial and error, and everyone is different. For another person, the hand technique could be the strategy that works. No matter how long it takes, finding what works for you is worth the time.

…

Over the course of the spring semester, I was able to pick up on what situations would cause me great duress and produce chest pains. Luckily, the crawling sensation lessened, but does pop up every once in a while. Ultimately, the main thing I learned is that my body knows before my mind does and that my anxiety can present itself in interesting ways.

I know I can’t avoid every situation that causes chest pain flare ups or ones that cause the crawling to creep forth, but I know I can live with it and work through it. Since my anxiety is linked to certain work/tasks in general, such as presentations or starting something new, I’ve decided to not go on medication because I have the skills and strategy that can help me get through them. Even with the chest pain, I did some outside research and found some massage-like techniques that I apply to the area. Although it doesn’t get rid of the pain, the massage movements get me through whatever situation I’m in until I know it’ll taper off.

Now, not everyone will feel the same way as I do, but it’s all about the individual. If someone knows that there are things they can do to alleviate their symptoms and they choose to do them instead of going on medication, that is their choice.

Ultimately, learning about anxiety in general and then determining how it affects you personally is the best course of action. I highly recommend looking into courses near you that cover what anxiety is. If you’re at school, colleges might have something like it offered in their counseling centers and if you’re at home, counseling centers in the area may offer something.

Another valuable lesson I learned is that you shouldn’t be afraid to get help. I almost didn’t start talking with someone at my school’s counseling center because I was afraid of what others would think, but I felt so much better after talking with someone each week.

You have to do what’s best for you.