I consider myself to have self-diagnosed anxiety. I know it’s not depression, and I never feel it’s bad enough to attempt to become officially diagnosed, but I know myself and my moods well enough to realize what’s going on.

Certain situations in particular stress me out. I have never liked making phone calls, for example. There’s something about the concept of talking to a person who I can’t see, along with the fact that they might ask a question I’m not prepared for, that makes me anxious. Though I like to think I’ve gotten better at preparing myself before phone calls, even today I still sometimes have meltdowns over the phone.

When this first became a problem, it was obvious that I had to find something to help me calm down afterward, and generally assist in managing my stress and anxiety. I tend to retreat after a stressful experience, and I retreat best when I have music in my head and yarn in my hands. I take to yarn as a way to de-stress.

Several years ago, I attended a day camp for students with impaired vision. One of the offered activities was learning to crochet. I’m rather crafty, and this seemed a wise alternative to the other option of martial arts. So I took it up, and was (no pun intended) hooked.

Crochet only has one tool, unlike knitting, and I picked up the basics quickly. I actually didn’t learn how to knit until a few years after this. Simple crochet patterns became soothing in their monotony since I didn’t have to pay consistent attention. Plus, if I made a mistake, I’d just tug on the yarn, and everything came undone, ready to start again. Though there are fewer crochet patterns than knitting patterns, I found creative projects that were both challenging and fun.

Even if the project was simple, I still ended up with a beautiful piece of fabric at the end of it.

So, after that, I understood crochet, but knitting looked much more difficult to me. Two, sometimes four, needles? What was this madness? I decided to take an introductory knitting class a few summers ago, and, in hindsight, I’m glad I did. I at least know the basics now, even if I’m still not very good at them. All the knitting patterns are now open to me!….with a lot of practice. So far, I’m still trying to get down a very basic cowl pattern.

I found the yarn community Ravelry not long after learning to crochet. It’s a large website, with yarn searches, forums, and personal pattern queues, along with plenty more. Flicking through the thousands of patterns (with filers) helps me to narrow down my plans for a project, and keeps my brain on track. I also use the forums quite often, even if I’m just reading other people’s conversations.

It’s wholesome, in a way, to read post after post about what kind of socks someone is knitting that week, or to see shawl modeling pictures by the crafter’s friend, halfway around the world. It’s calming, and a good source for something to go to when I want to get away from responsibilities. Reading through other crafters’ goals every month makes me excited to make my own, and reading through their weekly progress motivates me to pull out my own yarn in turn.

I often find myself drawn to create large shawls that you can wrap yourself in, as well as floppy, fashionable beanies. Though I’ll try new things, primarily I create to make things for myself and for loved ones. Knowing that I or someone else will love the finished product is enough to get me started. I like spring and winter colors, and find yarns that run through a gradient of colors soothing, since you know you’re making progress as you move through the color strand.

I also tend to stick with acrylic yarn. Though I’ve tried different types of fiber, I haven’t found one I like as much as acrylic. Since these are hobbies, I want to enjoy the fiber I’m working with. Personally, I don’t wear sweaters, so wouldn’t be inclined to make them; that’s the case with most garments. On the other hand, I’ll try to make something at least once, because you never know what might become a success.

When all my responsibilities are beginning to wear me down, that’s when I know it’s time for a break.

I climb into bed, pick a good playlist, and dig out the project I’m working on. I usually mark up my printed-out patterns with a pen, so I know where I am. I get comfortable and start checking the pattern whenever I get lost. Occasionally, our cats will come by and be simultaneously cute and disruptive by trying to eat the yarn I’m working with.

Sometimes that’s the point where I stop, rolling everything back up and going back to the homework that awaits me. Other times, I keep going because I’ve gotten into a zone, and I don’t want to drag myself out of it. Either way, afterward, I look at what I’ve done and feel accomplished. I’ve made something beautiful, out of my own two hands.

Unlike, for example, sewing, neither crochet or knitting include much cutting. You are constantly building on what came before. There is only creation, with little destruction. Just thinking about that makes me happy. Though working with yarn does require basic mathematics and memorization, it’s not nearly as difficult as the homework I resume afterward.

It’s a hobby, and like any hobby, there’s a large element of fun involved. When I’m focused on the next steps in the pattern, I’m not thinking about the work I was just doing. I allow myself to push all that off to the side, and just focus on what’s in front of me. When I reach the end of a row, I have to stop, and return to it tomorrow. The yarn will be waiting, and in the meantime, both myself and the project will be a little more whole.